Author: Graham Hyman

Graham Hyman has been working with teenagers professionally since he was a teenager. His first “job” was as a volunteer leader with a group of his 14 year old classmates who developed and ran an after hours school program for latchkey children (who would otherwise go to empty homes at the end of the school day). He is now at the other end of his career encouraging, guiding and motivating teenagers in high schools across Australia astounded that a 68 year old man can still hold the attention, and respect, of 12 – 18 year olds. The most common response he receives from kids is his greatest honour, “that was sooo my life!” The 50 odd years between that have been spent gaining a theological degree, working as a minister with the Churches of Christ, then as its National Youth Director. In 1988, along with his wife Jadie, he began Youth Specialties Australia. Initially YSA provided youth work training but in the early nineties Graham began working with parents, presenting the original Australian version of Understanding Your Teenager as a seminar in schools, and community groups across Australia as well as New Zealand and South Africa. By the mid nineties this work grew into providing presentations for students and teachers, and this work continues today. Graham has worked in over 1/4 of all Australian high schools speaking to well over 1 million students, tens of thousands of parents and thousands of teachers. This work continues today as you can see from the YSA website (www.ysa.com.au)
Posted on by — Leave a comment

Is your child using drugs?

Teens will be teens. They sleep late, fail a test here and there or get uncharacteristically moody. But what if these behaviors are happening more often than usual, or all at the same time? You know your teen better than anyone, but it is important to know what to look for if you suspect he or she may be abusing medicine.


1. Health concerns. Keep an eye out for changes in your teen’s physical health, like constricted pupils, nausea or vomiting, flushed skin or dizziness. Look further into anything that seems strange.

2. Changes in behavior. The signs of medicine abuse aren’t always physical. Look for changes in behavior – like sudden changes in relationships with their family or friends, anxiety, erratic mood swings or decreased motivation. It’s no secret that teens can be moody, but be on the lookout for drastic differences in the way your child behaves.

3. Home-related signs. If you’ve noticed belongings disappearing around the house, or found some unusual objects appearing – like straws, burnt spoons, aluminum foil or medicine bottles – this could be a sign of medicine abuse. Count – and lock up – the medicine you have in your home and safely dispose of any expired medicine.

4. Trouble in school. Take note of how your teen is doing in school, including any change in homework habits and grades. A rapid drop in grades, loss of interest in schoolwork and complaints from teachers could be indicators that there’s a problem.

5. Things just seem off. You know your child better than anyone and you know when something’s not right. Trust your gut, and talk to your teen about your concerns.
With one in four kids reporting abuse of prescription drugs in their lifetime, it’s important to take action right away if you do suspect medicine abuse. Don’t be afraid to talk – and listen – to your teen, work through things together and get help if necessary.

(From drugfree.org, a U.S.A. based charity dedicated to providing information about the effects and harms of drugs and support for both those who are at risk because of their use of drugs and their families)

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Parenting and school performance are inexorably linked

Students performance linked to parental engagement

“Billions fail to stop slide in world student rankings” The Australian Dec 4 2013
Billions have been spent on facilities and technology for schools, and student performance has gone backwards. Class sizes have diminished, teachers have mandatory ongoing professional development, and student performance has gone backwards. The slide in the ability of Australian school students to learn will continue until someone shines a light on the proverbial pachyderm in this room and we as a nation begin to aggressively deal with it. The primary factor that undermines school based learning in Australia it is the rapid increase of general disengagement by parents in their children’s lives.

The foundation for learning, the tools for understanding and the aspiration to excel all have their origins in what happens in a child’s home. Where parents provide a secure and certain environment and are actively involved in their child’s learning that child is much more likely to be equipped to learn and have the confidence to be ambitious.
Routine and order in a child’s life at home that allows time for study, recreation and rest builds great students who are much more likely to respond positively to classroom teaching and to be a positive influence on a classroom experience. Add a consistent home experience of affection and kindness and you have children who are not just good learners but they are also nice. Where you find a school where these students predominate you will experience an ethos that fosters learning and personal growth.

Unfortunately these attitudes require a sacrifice by parents, and we in the indulgent west increasingly abhor sacrifice. The changed nature of family in our society and the increasingly common pursuit of personal rights and pleasures by parents – over their responsibility to parent – mean that great numbers of our children are effectively doing childhood on their own. If Golding’s ‘Lord of the Flies’ reveals any truth it is that the outcome of this will be chaos, bullying and the dominance of the strong over the smart. Sound familiar?

If we are to elevate academic performance standards while also building strong emotional intelligence in our children we need to put more money into education – of parents. Investment in a range of training programs, from a ‘Life Be In It’ style marketing program to parenting seminars offered in schools and more is going to make a much bigger, faster, long lasting impact than any other expenditure.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

My son is using school attendance as blackmail!

Question:

I have a 15 year old son who is in grade 10. He asked me last weekend if I would get Broadband, and I told him that I couldn’t afford it and it was an un-necessary expense. Because of that he refuses to go to school until I get it on. What can I do??? Don’t say contact the school because I have and they don’t care…….

Answer:

Thanks for your question, 15 year old boys can be so much fun can’t they!

Firstly, as a bit of background to his reaction: mid to late teen boys are very clever (some would say devious). They are smart enough to know when logic won’t help them win an argument so they resort to either cruelty – saying hurtful things in loud ways – or blackmail, or both. Every time they win an argument this way extends the amount of time they will use the same method the next time.

The good news for parents in this is if they are strong and: 1) don’t escalate the problem by responding to the boy in the same way, and 2) don’t give in; the emotions will ease reasonably quickly and the issue will pass. Then in a couple of days (or hours) either a new issue and new battle will arise, or the boy might give the old one a go again. Another piece of good news is that by the time a boy is 18 this approach fades pretty quickly.

Now to your particular situation:

Assuming that the issue is just broadband perhaps there are some questions you could ask yourself and discuss with him.

Is his need for broadband related to school? If so this could be quite a reasonable request. Broadband access is fast becoming an integral part of secondary education.

The teacher of nearly every class he attends will at some point suggest using the internet to research something. The point here though is that by staying away from school to protest not having broadband he his defeating his own argument. Perhaps you could suggest that he demonstrates his commitment to school and learning first by his attendance, attitude and application till Easter and then together you will make a decision, with the following question in mind:

Is he able to make some sacrifice that will contribute to the cost? Share a portion of his pay from his weekend job (if he has one, if not maybe he should get one), buying lunch at school on fewer days, or no days. Settling for ‘lesser’ brand clothes etc. I am aware that this will mean a sacrifice on your part too but with broadband plans available for $29.95pm with no upfront cost it may be possible – it means each of you have to find a way to squeeze, say, an extra $4 per week. By the way, if you do go this way be very careful to get a plan that is ‘slowed’ after you reach your download limit, that way you can be certain to never pay excess usage charges.

If that is not possible do you have access to an alternate solution: is there a neighbour or family member or library close by the he can use to access the internet for study?

On the other hand, if he wants broadband for non-school issues (MySpace & MSN, downloading music, etc) then I would be putting to him that he pays for it himself. To protect your budget you might like to suggest that he saves the first 3 months of subscriptions before you sign up for anything and then he pays monthly in advance. You might be able to contribute a small amount if you and other members of your family will be using the internet.

With either option it will important to work out some usage rules first. The internet – especially for teens – can easily be a black hole that sucks in time. Discuss reasonable usage that allows him time to complete his school work and some school performance measures he must attain. Put that into a contract he signs before any broadband plan is taken. The contract won’t guarantee that he will use the internet sensibly, it will just help you when you have the argument with him about over use or inappropriate use.

My concern, though, is that his reaction has been so severe I wonder if broadband is the issue or an excuse to take a stand.

Is he having problems at school he hasn’t told you about? Is he struggling academically? Is he being bullied or socially excluded in some way (and not having broadband could be contributing to that)? Is he nervous about achieving the results he needs for the future he wants?

Is he struggling at home? Are there some unresolved issue between the two of you that he can’t talk about but can’t ignore? Is he angry about some issues in his life and this is the simplest way of express the anger without talking about the issues.

If you suspect this might be the case then I would suggest you give him some time to calm down and when both of you are calm have one of those “hey mate, what’s really going on here?” conversations. These can be hard to initiate, with a sullen teenage boy it can seem impossible, but if you are calm and choose a time for the conversation when are you both least likely to be stressed, over time you will get to the heart of the matter.

These are just brief thoughts, I hope they give you some ideas and encouragement. If the problem persists or, more importantly, escalates, I would strongly suggest that you seek a family counsellor. Life Line and Centacare are two organisations that provide excellent service at a very low fee.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

My child can’t go to school because she has anxiety

QUESTION: What do I do with my nearly 15 year old daughter who can’t go to main stream school due to the fact that she has anxiety. We’ve been seeing psychs and she’s been on medication for nearly 7 years and nothing works. We’ve been advised not to force her to school any more but as much as I love her she is impossible to be with 24hours a day 7 days a week, I’m going crazy.

I need help ! distance education doesnt work as I can not school her myself . I am a single mum with three daughters and she  is my youngest. Please advise me of where I can get help.

Answer

I am sad to hear of your situation, it must be very difficult. I am also concerned that after seven years of treatment your daughter’s condition has not improved, you should have seen some progress over that time.

The best people to advise you are those who deal with situations like yours on a daily basis. A good place to start is the Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria – 03 9853 8089 (and you have probably already been there). Beyond Blue also provides information and links to resources. You might like to browse this page www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=12#familyfreinds to see if there is a group that could help you.

Have you spoken to your regional department of education office? By your address I assume you would be in the Northern Metropolitan Region.

Their phone number is 03 9488 9488 and the section of their website relevant to you is http://www.nmr.vic.edu.au/index.php?page=par_student_wellbeing.

Thanks for your question, 15 year old boys can be so much fun can’t they!

Firstly, as a bit of background to his reaction: mid to late teen boys are very clever (some would say devious). They are smart enough to know when logic won’t help them win an argument so they resort to either cruelty – saying hurtful things in loud ways – or blackmail, or both. Every time they win an argument this way extends the amount of time they will use the same method the next time.

The good news for parents in this is if they are strong and: 1) don’t escalate the problem by responding to the boy in the same way, and 2) don’t give in; the emotions will ease reasonably quickly and the issue will pass. Then in a couple of days (or hours) either a new issue and new battle will arise, or the boy might give the old one a go again. Another piece of good news is that by the time a boy is 18 this approach fades pretty quickly.

Now to your particular situation:

Assuming that the issue is just broadband perhaps there are some questions you could ask yourself and discuss with him.

Is his need for broadband related to school? If so this could be quite a reasonable request. Broadband access is fast becoming an integral part of secondary education.

The teacher of nearly every class he attends will at some point suggest using the internet to research something. The point here though is that by staying away from school to protest not having broadband he his defeating his own argument. Perhaps you could suggest that he demonstrates his commitment to school and learning first by his attendance, attitude and application till Easter and then together you will make a decision, with the following question in mind:

Is he able to make some sacrifice that will contribute to the cost? Share a portion of his pay from his weekend job (if he has one, if not maybe he should get one), buying lunch at school on fewer days, or no days. Settling for ‘lesser’ brand clothes etc. I am aware that this will mean a sacrifice on your part too but with broadband plans available for $29.95pm with no upfront cost it may be possible – it means each of you have to find a way to squeeze, say, an extra $4 per week. By the way, if you do go this way be very careful to get a plan that is ‘slowed’ after you reach your download limit, that way you can be certain to never pay excess usage charges.

If that is not possible do you have access to an alternate solution: is there a neighbour or family member or library close by the he can use to access the internet for study?

On the other hand, if he wants broadband for non-school issues (MySpace & MSN, downloading music, etc) then I would be putting to him that he pays for it himself. To protect your budget you might like to suggest that he saves the first 3 months of subscriptions before you sign up for anything and then he pays monthly in advance. You might be able to contribute a small amount if you and other members of your family will be using the internet.

With either option it will important to work out some usage rules first. The internet – especially for teens – can easily be a black hole that sucks in time. Discuss reasonable usage that allows him time to complete his school work and some school performance measures he must attain. Put that into a contract he signs before any broadband plan is taken. The contract won’t guarantee that he will use the internet sensibly, it will just help you when you have the argument with him about over use or inappropriate use.

My concern, though, is that his reaction has been so severe I wonder if broadband is the issue or an excuse to take a stand.

Is he having problems at school he hasn’t told you about? Is he struggling academically? Is he being bullied or socially excluded in some way (and not having broadband could be contributing to that)? Is he nervous about achieving the results he needs for the future he wants?

Is he struggling at home? Are there some unresolved issue between the two of you that he can’t talk about but can’t ignore? Is he angry about some issues in his life and this is the simplest way of express the anger without talking about the issues.

If you suspect this might be the case then I would suggest you give him some time to calm down and when both of you are calm have one of those “hey mate, what’s really going on here?” conversations. These can be hard to initiate, with a sullen teenage boy it can seem impossible, but if you are calm and choose a time for the conversation when are you both least likely to be stressed, over time you will get to the heart of the matter.

These are just brief thoughts, I hope they give you some ideas and encouragement. If the problem persists or, more importantly, escalates, I would strongly suggest that you seek a family counsellor. Life Line and Centacare are two organisations that provide excellent service at a very low fee.