Category: Mental Health

QUESTION: My 15 year old niece is very clever; but she refuses to attend school, has an older boyfriend whom she manipulates. She is abusive to parents & grandmother, & has lately taken to damaging walls & breaking things including a mirror. Parents & grandmother are distraught, especially since they can’t get the child to visit a doctor or psychologist. She also frequently threatens them that if they check her behaviour, she will call the cops. Nobody has laid a hand on her, or abused her in any way. Please advise where parents can obtain help. She does not do drugs or drink alcohol.

RESPONSE:

Teenagers can be dreadfully emotional and stubborn because they are so posses by the moment. In their minds if the their desires aren’t met immediately they may not be met at all. Add to this the fact that when teens can’t win an argument logically they will usually turn to bullying (as indicated by what you have said about the physical damage your niece is causing) and you have people who are very hard to live with sometimes.

In response to a couple of your points: Every state has a parent help website and live phone counselling (see list here),these are a great starting point for parents in need. For face to face counselling your family could find some great help from Centacare (a counselling service of the Catholic church but open to people of all faiths).

If your niece threatens to call the police, maybe she should be allowed to. If, as you say, there are no issues of abuse the police will very likely reinforce the views of her parents.

Perhaps, though, the other direction to take is to find out why she will not attend school. For a clever girl who is not being influenced by alcohol or other drugs this is an unusual behaviour. It makes me wonder whether there are issues in her life (bullying, inappropriate relationships, academic struggle) that make school a hostile environment for her. Because, for whatever reason she will not open up about those issues she is taking illogical pathways to keep herself from having to confront them.

It is very important during this time for her parents to find some way to maintain and encourage whatever elements of a normal relationship they can. This does not mean giving in to her whims or accepting outrageous behaviour. What it does mean is to be careful to be on the look out for any signs of tenderness or normality she shows and to acknowledge and affirm those. Seek ways to spend time with her away from the tension causing issues. The more that positive side of the relationship can be built up the more likely it is that the negative side of her behaviour will begin to moderate.

QUESTION: What shall I do to children who cannot concentrate in school, because they claimed that they were sexually abuse by a close relative on their childhood? And how can I know it is true?

RESPONSE:

The question you have put is an area that can potentially have huge negative impacts on a child’s development, consequently whenever a child raises this issue it should be treated seriously.

Except in the rarest cases, a child would never invent experiences like this to explain being unable to concentrate in school. In fact one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with kids who have been abused is to get them to admit it. It is usually a horrible secret that is only known by the impact it has on a child’s mental health.

I would strongly suggest that you look for an opportunity to have your child meet with a professional counsellor to either open a pathway for healing or, in the unlikely event that the story is concocted, discern what other factors are so troubling the child that he or she should resort to such extreme behaviours.

If you decide to seek counselling, and I hope you do, a starting point would be Kids Helpline (Ph: (07) 3369 1588; 1800 55 1800 Email: counsellor@kidshelp.com.au (for email counselling) http://www.kidshelp.com.au/  (web counselling: Mon – Fri, 3 pm – 9 pm, Sat 10am – 4pm). Other services can be found on the the Australian Government directory sitehttp://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/resources/counselling.html

QUESTION: What do I do with my nearly 15 year old daughter who can’t go to main stream school due to the fact that she has anxiety. We’ve been seeing psychs and she’s been on medication for nearly 7 years and nothing works. We’ve been advised not to force her to school any more but as much as I love her she is impossible to be with 24hours a day 7 days a week, I’m going crazy.

I need help ! distance education doesnt work as I can not school her myself . I am a single mum with three daughters and she  is my youngest. Please advise me of where I can get help.

Answer

I am sad to hear of your situation, it must be very difficult. I am also concerned that after seven years of treatment your daughter’s condition has not improved, you should have seen some progress over that time.

The best people to advise you are those who deal with situations like yours on a daily basis. A good place to start is the Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria – 03 9853 8089 (and you have probably already been there). Beyond Blue also provides information and links to resources. You might like to browse this page www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=12#familyfreinds to see if there is a group that could help you.

Have you spoken to your regional department of education office? By your address I assume you would be in the Northern Metropolitan Region.

Their phone number is 03 9488 9488 and the section of their website relevant to you is http://www.nmr.vic.edu.au/index.php?page=par_student_wellbeing.

Thanks for your question, 15 year old boys can be so much fun can’t they!

Firstly, as a bit of background to his reaction: mid to late teen boys are very clever (some would say devious). They are smart enough to know when logic won’t help them win an argument so they resort to either cruelty – saying hurtful things in loud ways – or blackmail, or both. Every time they win an argument this way extends the amount of time they will use the same method the next time.

The good news for parents in this is if they are strong and: 1) don’t escalate the problem by responding to the boy in the same way, and 2) don’t give in; the emotions will ease reasonably quickly and the issue will pass. Then in a couple of days (or hours) either a new issue and new battle will arise, or the boy might give the old one a go again. Another piece of good news is that by the time a boy is 18 this approach fades pretty quickly.

Now to your particular situation:

Assuming that the issue is just broadband perhaps there are some questions you could ask yourself and discuss with him.

Is his need for broadband related to school? If so this could be quite a reasonable request. Broadband access is fast becoming an integral part of secondary education.

The teacher of nearly every class he attends will at some point suggest using the internet to research something. The point here though is that by staying away from school to protest not having broadband he his defeating his own argument. Perhaps you could suggest that he demonstrates his commitment to school and learning first by his attendance, attitude and application till Easter and then together you will make a decision, with the following question in mind:

Is he able to make some sacrifice that will contribute to the cost? Share a portion of his pay from his weekend job (if he has one, if not maybe he should get one), buying lunch at school on fewer days, or no days. Settling for ‘lesser’ brand clothes etc. I am aware that this will mean a sacrifice on your part too but with broadband plans available for $29.95pm with no upfront cost it may be possible – it means each of you have to find a way to squeeze, say, an extra $4 per week. By the way, if you do go this way be very careful to get a plan that is ‘slowed’ after you reach your download limit, that way you can be certain to never pay excess usage charges.

If that is not possible do you have access to an alternate solution: is there a neighbour or family member or library close by the he can use to access the internet for study?

On the other hand, if he wants broadband for non-school issues (MySpace & MSN, downloading music, etc) then I would be putting to him that he pays for it himself. To protect your budget you might like to suggest that he saves the first 3 months of subscriptions before you sign up for anything and then he pays monthly in advance. You might be able to contribute a small amount if you and other members of your family will be using the internet.

With either option it will important to work out some usage rules first. The internet – especially for teens – can easily be a black hole that sucks in time. Discuss reasonable usage that allows him time to complete his school work and some school performance measures he must attain. Put that into a contract he signs before any broadband plan is taken. The contract won’t guarantee that he will use the internet sensibly, it will just help you when you have the argument with him about over use or inappropriate use.

My concern, though, is that his reaction has been so severe I wonder if broadband is the issue or an excuse to take a stand.

Is he having problems at school he hasn’t told you about? Is he struggling academically? Is he being bullied or socially excluded in some way (and not having broadband could be contributing to that)? Is he nervous about achieving the results he needs for the future he wants?

Is he struggling at home? Are there some unresolved issue between the two of you that he can’t talk about but can’t ignore? Is he angry about some issues in his life and this is the simplest way of express the anger without talking about the issues.

If you suspect this might be the case then I would suggest you give him some time to calm down and when both of you are calm have one of those “hey mate, what’s really going on here?” conversations. These can be hard to initiate, with a sullen teenage boy it can seem impossible, but if you are calm and choose a time for the conversation when are you both least likely to be stressed, over time you will get to the heart of the matter.

These are just brief thoughts, I hope they give you some ideas and encouragement. If the problem persists or, more importantly, escalates, I would strongly suggest that you seek a family counsellor. Life Line and Centacare are two organisations that provide excellent service at a very low fee.