Category: School

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My child goes out for too long on a school night!

QUESTION: How do I stop my child going out at night after school for so long on a school night?

Firstly, this is much easier when the ground rules are laid very early. For instance: if you have had an absolute rule with your child up to the age of 14 that school nights are only for family, extra curricular activities (sport, music, drama, etc), homework and relaxing at home then you will not have too much trouble continuing with those rules through senior high. On the other hand, if your child has had the freedom to enjoy other social activities on school nights in his or her pre-teens and early teens that will be a very difficult habit to break.

But if you are reading this question you are in the middle of dealing with this issue now$, so here are some ideas that might help regardless of your history.

The first step is to help your child see the point in coming home at a reasonable time. Most kids who lack personal discipline also lack a sense of purpose in their lives. Listen to what your teen wants to do with his or her life. Then when the issue of late nights arises use that ambition as the reason for the boundaries you are setting down.

Secondly, set clear, consistent rules. Perhaps allow certain days of the week for socialising (choose evenings before the school days that have the lightest academic load). Make the curfew one that allows some freedom but is not overly generous. 10:30 is the latest any teen should be out socialising on a night.

Thirdly, introduce consequences. These should be discussed with your teen beforehand and agreed with by him or her. The consequence should be real, but reasonable, and must be enforceable. Then enforce the consequence, never back down no matter how much abuse you receive. The consistent application of consequences is the best form of discipline (and control) available to parents today.

Fourthly, reward. Make it worth your teen’s while to be at home on school nights, studying. The reward might be extra time out on the weekends, or it might be the building of a bank account towards the purchase of something special. The actual type of reward is not important, the fact that it is guaranteed and centered on something worthwhile to your teen is.

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My teen will not get up in the morning and is too tired for school

QUESTION: Hi, I am wondering why teenage boys tend to want to sleep all day & can’t get up for school? I have a 14 yr old & he hates getting up in the morning, it takes me 2 hrs to get him up & i must say i am over this daily routine. He can’t understand why i get so stressed by the end of it. He then saunters of to to school grudgingly. He has always been a big sleeper but this is rediculous. Any suggestions would be appreciated?

RESPONSE

Sleepy teenage boys have been a problem for many parents, and in our society where rooms are so comfy and beds so snugly it is even more difficult. Like most parenting teen issues there are no easy or quick solutions to this – just time and persistence.

Let’s start by giving him the benefit of the doubt: the problem could simply be that he is a teenager. There is a lot of evidence to show that sleep patterns do change during adolescence (it has to do with the timing of the secretion of melatonin) which means that the feeling of sleepiness arrives much later at night. Research has also proven that teens also need around 9 1/2 hours of sleep a night. When you add to this the fact their days are so full of activity and their nights so full of excitement it is little wonder they are often hard to get up in the morning.

Assuming that your son wants to go to school (because if he does not that is a quite different story) here are some suggestions that might help:

1) Work to his needs. Acknowledge that as a teen he needs around 10 hours in bed a night and come to an arrangement with him about what time he goes to bed based on what time he needs to get up.

2) Avoid the stimulants. We can’t blame puberty for all of the problem, many kids sleep late because they play late. TV, music, phone calls & texting, internet games & chat keep their brains aroused and bodies out of bed till very late at night. Setting clear boundaries about the use of these can help. Be especially strong about phone and internet based activity because not only do they not have a defined end point, they have an external party prolonging the interest. Be careful of physical stimulants too. All caffeine products (Caffeinated drinks, Guarana products, etc) should be avoided after the early afternoon and smoking avoided always, but especially after the early evening. Exercise is great in the afternoon, but not late at night.

3) Do things at night. Have your son do as much of what he needs to be ready for school the night before. If at all possible make his only responsibility in the morning that of going to school.

4) Time shift. Use his preferred entertainment to get him up in the morning. For example, if he absolutely must watch (insert his favourite show here – I don’t know your son) make it a rule that he watches it before he is due to leave for school.

5) Reduce the margins. Following on from that, come to an agreement with him about how much time he does need from when he wakes up till when he leaves for school and don’t bother waking him till that time. Better still give him the responsibility to set an alarm for himself. Maybe if he wakes with a sense of urgency knowing there is only just enough time to get ready he might be a little more motivated.

6) Choose consequences that sting. Tie consequences to something other than school. Even if he likes school, missing some of it is not something he will perceive as a personal cost so find something that is (money, social hours on the weekend, TV and internet rights, etc) and make those the consequence of him not getting up on time.

As to grudgingly sauntering off to school – sorry, nothing can be done about that!

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My niece is manipulative and threatening

QUESTION: My 15 year old niece is very clever; but she refuses to attend school, has an older boyfriend whom she manipulates. She is abusive to parents & grandmother, & has lately taken to damaging walls & breaking things including a mirror. Parents & grandmother are distraught, especially since they can’t get the child to visit a doctor or psychologist. She also frequently threatens them that if they check her behaviour, she will call the cops. Nobody has laid a hand on her, or abused her in any way. Please advise where parents can obtain help. She does not do drugs or drink alcohol.

RESPONSE:

Teenagers can be dreadfully emotional and stubborn because they are so posses by the moment. In their minds if the their desires aren’t met immediately they may not be met at all. Add to this the fact that when teens can’t win an argument logically they will usually turn to bullying (as indicated by what you have said about the physical damage your niece is causing) and you have people who are very hard to live with sometimes.

In response to a couple of your points: Every state has a parent help website and live phone counselling (see list here),these are a great starting point for parents in need. For face to face counselling your family could find some great help from Centacare (a counselling service of the Catholic church but open to people of all faiths).

If your niece threatens to call the police, maybe she should be allowed to. If, as you say, there are no issues of abuse the police will very likely reinforce the views of her parents.

Perhaps, though, the other direction to take is to find out why she will not attend school. For a clever girl who is not being influenced by alcohol or other drugs this is an unusual behaviour. It makes me wonder whether there are issues in her life (bullying, inappropriate relationships, academic struggle) that make school a hostile environment for her. Because, for whatever reason she will not open up about those issues she is taking illogical pathways to keep herself from having to confront them.

It is very important during this time for her parents to find some way to maintain and encourage whatever elements of a normal relationship they can. This does not mean giving in to her whims or accepting outrageous behaviour. What it does mean is to be careful to be on the look out for any signs of tenderness or normality she shows and to acknowledge and affirm those. Seek ways to spend time with her away from the tension causing issues. The more that positive side of the relationship can be built up the more likely it is that the negative side of her behaviour will begin to moderate.

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My daughter wants to move in with her boyfriend

QUESTION: My daughter is 15 and is telling us she is going to move out at 16 and live with her current 17 year old boyfriend. We have concerns about this and have spoken with her. If she leaves home at 16 and get into any trouble with the police or in debt will we be held responsible for her actions even if we can’t make her stay at home. She believes that when she is 16 she can legally move out is this right or is it 18 or 21.

You daughter is right, She can leave home without your permission at 16. Unfortunately laws have been framed this way because of the need to protect some of our children from dreadful experiences at home and in the process they sometimes make it harder for responsible parents to guide their children in the right direction.

The reality of the situation is that even if it wasn’t lawful, your daughter is of an age that if she wants to move in with her boyfriend there is very little you could do to stop it. The issue is not serious enough for the authorities to act.

Let us hope she does not get into trouble with the police, but if she does she will be the one accountable for it. Similarly with debt: the only way in which you could be held responsible for it is if you sign leases, contracts or rental agreements.

The first place to start though is to lay a foundation so that whether your daughter leaves home or not your relationship will survive. While it may not seem like it to her now (and at times it may not even seem like it to you) that relationship is going to be very important to her life in the near future.

Perhaps there are areas in which you could lighten up which give her a greater sense of independence without compromising your family expectations and values?

Also, it is important to build the relationship in spite of the current tension. It would be a very good thing to find some opportunities to spend positive time with each other in which the conflict areas are not discussed. Maybe have a weekly lunch date during which you both are banned from talking about anything to do with the boyfriend or her leaving home. This won’t be easy at first but if you persist it will become very valuable time during which you will almost certainly rediscover your mother-daughter relationship. It is that relationship that will ultimately give your daughter safety and security and you peace.

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Children can’t concentrate because they claim to have been abused

QUESTION: What shall I do to children who cannot concentrate in school, because they claimed that they were sexually abuse by a close relative on their childhood? And how can I know it is true?

RESPONSE:

The question you have put is an area that can potentially have huge negative impacts on a child’s development, consequently whenever a child raises this issue it should be treated seriously.

Except in the rarest cases, a child would never invent experiences like this to explain being unable to concentrate in school. In fact one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with kids who have been abused is to get them to admit it. It is usually a horrible secret that is only known by the impact it has on a child’s mental health.

I would strongly suggest that you look for an opportunity to have your child meet with a professional counsellor to either open a pathway for healing or, in the unlikely event that the story is concocted, discern what other factors are so troubling the child that he or she should resort to such extreme behaviours.

If you decide to seek counselling, and I hope you do, a starting point would be Kids Helpline (Ph: (07) 3369 1588; 1800 55 1800 Email: counsellor@kidshelp.com.au (for email counselling) http://www.kidshelp.com.au/  (web counselling: Mon – Fri, 3 pm – 9 pm, Sat 10am – 4pm). Other services can be found on the the Australian Government directory sitehttp://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/resources/counselling.html

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My teenager won’t go to school

QUESTION: My teenager won’t go to school. How do I get him/her to go?

RESPONSE: Teens who resist going to school do so for a variety of reasons. Each reason requires a different response. The problem for parents is that their kids will rarely tell them why they don’t want them to go.

The first step is always to try and discern what lies behind the resistance. This can take some time, especially when the parent is so frustrated and upset, and the teen so stubborn, that any conversation becomes a shouting match.

Don’t have the discussion in the midst of trying to convince the teen to go to school. On school mornings everyone is tense; it is hard to be calm. Plus, there is a battle ground so both parties want to win. The teen wants to stay home; the parent wants the teen to go to school.

Instead make a time to discuss the issue, perhaps after dinner or perhaps even in a neutral venue like a restaurant. While the teen is unlikely to acknowledge that he or she must go to school, an even partly reasonable teenager will accept that the issue must be discussed. This is particularly true if the parents give the impression they will listen to the arguments even if they don’t agree with them.

In the discussion give the teen time to say what it is about school that is bothering him or her. The initial responses are likely to be trivial or monosyllabic (“it sucks”, “it’s boring”) but with persistent gentle questioning the truth will usually come out.

The 3 major reasons teens avoid school (and potential solutions) are:

1) Social networks

Your daughter, or son, may be struggling to find friends, or may be experiencing bullying verbally, electronically or physically. Whatever the cause if your child feels un-liked or unacceptable then school, where that message is reinforced every day, is the last place he or she wants to be.

This child needs parental support to develop strategies to stop the bullying and to build a network of friends to provide a buffer against the cruelty of other students.

Never take bullying lightly, the era of ‘names will never hurt me’ is long gone because modern means of bullying have become so invasive and social acceptance has become such a huge part of our society. In previous generations bullying messed with one’s popularity, today it can crush a kid’s sense of value.

2) Not coping with the work

Some teens cannot face school because it seems that in every lesson confronts them with their inability to learn. Pride will frequently prevent these kids from admitting the academic struggle they face, instead they simply take every opportunity to not experience it.

Talk to your child’s teachers, the school possibly has support programs in place. If you can afford it seek tutoring to help your child overcome the ‘hump’ that is blocking his or her progress. If he or she will let you, work on your teen’s homework and assignments with him or her. The simple fact of having someone help can make the learning easier and much more effective.

3) Cannot see a future

Our last category of persistent truants are those kids in mid teens who just cannot see the point in going to school. It is their perception that nothing they do in school relates to what they want to do in life so can see no point in going to school. Or they see nothing in life they want to do, or believe they could do, and so cannot see the benefit of learning now because in their minds qualifications don’t matter if there is nothing they will ever be qualified to do.

These kids best respond when the adults in their life help them focus on specific beneficial outcomes rather than vague concepts of levels of academic achievement. These kids are not interested in what a year 12 student needs to achieve. Their only interest is “what am I going to do?”

In general the best motivation for these students is to mix work and career with school. School based apprenticeships, TAFE courses linked to their school program, 1 & 2 day work placements can all work wonders in making these kids want to go to school (but they will still do all they can to avoid traditional classroom learning).

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My son is using school attendance as blackmail!

Question:

I have a 15 year old son who is in grade 10. He asked me last weekend if I would get Broadband, and I told him that I couldn’t afford it and it was an un-necessary expense. Because of that he refuses to go to school until I get it on. What can I do??? Don’t say contact the school because I have and they don’t care…….

Answer:

Thanks for your question, 15 year old boys can be so much fun can’t they!

Firstly, as a bit of background to his reaction: mid to late teen boys are very clever (some would say devious). They are smart enough to know when logic won’t help them win an argument so they resort to either cruelty – saying hurtful things in loud ways – or blackmail, or both. Every time they win an argument this way extends the amount of time they will use the same method the next time.

The good news for parents in this is if they are strong and: 1) don’t escalate the problem by responding to the boy in the same way, and 2) don’t give in; the emotions will ease reasonably quickly and the issue will pass. Then in a couple of days (or hours) either a new issue and new battle will arise, or the boy might give the old one a go again. Another piece of good news is that by the time a boy is 18 this approach fades pretty quickly.

Now to your particular situation:

Assuming that the issue is just broadband perhaps there are some questions you could ask yourself and discuss with him.

Is his need for broadband related to school? If so this could be quite a reasonable request. Broadband access is fast becoming an integral part of secondary education.

The teacher of nearly every class he attends will at some point suggest using the internet to research something. The point here though is that by staying away from school to protest not having broadband he his defeating his own argument. Perhaps you could suggest that he demonstrates his commitment to school and learning first by his attendance, attitude and application till Easter and then together you will make a decision, with the following question in mind:

Is he able to make some sacrifice that will contribute to the cost? Share a portion of his pay from his weekend job (if he has one, if not maybe he should get one), buying lunch at school on fewer days, or no days. Settling for ‘lesser’ brand clothes etc. I am aware that this will mean a sacrifice on your part too but with broadband plans available for $29.95pm with no upfront cost it may be possible – it means each of you have to find a way to squeeze, say, an extra $4 per week. By the way, if you do go this way be very careful to get a plan that is ‘slowed’ after you reach your download limit, that way you can be certain to never pay excess usage charges.

If that is not possible do you have access to an alternate solution: is there a neighbour or family member or library close by the he can use to access the internet for study?

On the other hand, if he wants broadband for non-school issues (MySpace & MSN, downloading music, etc) then I would be putting to him that he pays for it himself. To protect your budget you might like to suggest that he saves the first 3 months of subscriptions before you sign up for anything and then he pays monthly in advance. You might be able to contribute a small amount if you and other members of your family will be using the internet.

With either option it will important to work out some usage rules first. The internet – especially for teens – can easily be a black hole that sucks in time. Discuss reasonable usage that allows him time to complete his school work and some school performance measures he must attain. Put that into a contract he signs before any broadband plan is taken. The contract won’t guarantee that he will use the internet sensibly, it will just help you when you have the argument with him about over use or inappropriate use.

My concern, though, is that his reaction has been so severe I wonder if broadband is the issue or an excuse to take a stand.

Is he having problems at school he hasn’t told you about? Is he struggling academically? Is he being bullied or socially excluded in some way (and not having broadband could be contributing to that)? Is he nervous about achieving the results he needs for the future he wants?

Is he struggling at home? Are there some unresolved issue between the two of you that he can’t talk about but can’t ignore? Is he angry about some issues in his life and this is the simplest way of express the anger without talking about the issues.

If you suspect this might be the case then I would suggest you give him some time to calm down and when both of you are calm have one of those “hey mate, what’s really going on here?” conversations. These can be hard to initiate, with a sullen teenage boy it can seem impossible, but if you are calm and choose a time for the conversation when are you both least likely to be stressed, over time you will get to the heart of the matter.

These are just brief thoughts, I hope they give you some ideas and encouragement. If the problem persists or, more importantly, escalates, I would strongly suggest that you seek a family counsellor. Life Line and Centacare are two organisations that provide excellent service at a very low fee.

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My child can’t go to school because she has anxiety

QUESTION: What do I do with my nearly 15 year old daughter who can’t go to main stream school due to the fact that she has anxiety. We’ve been seeing psychs and she’s been on medication for nearly 7 years and nothing works. We’ve been advised not to force her to school any more but as much as I love her she is impossible to be with 24hours a day 7 days a week, I’m going crazy.

I need help ! distance education doesnt work as I can not school her myself . I am a single mum with three daughters and she  is my youngest. Please advise me of where I can get help.

Answer

I am sad to hear of your situation, it must be very difficult. I am also concerned that after seven years of treatment your daughter’s condition has not improved, you should have seen some progress over that time.

The best people to advise you are those who deal with situations like yours on a daily basis. A good place to start is the Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria – 03 9853 8089 (and you have probably already been there). Beyond Blue also provides information and links to resources. You might like to browse this page www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=12#familyfreinds to see if there is a group that could help you.

Have you spoken to your regional department of education office? By your address I assume you would be in the Northern Metropolitan Region.

Their phone number is 03 9488 9488 and the section of their website relevant to you is http://www.nmr.vic.edu.au/index.php?page=par_student_wellbeing.

Thanks for your question, 15 year old boys can be so much fun can’t they!

Firstly, as a bit of background to his reaction: mid to late teen boys are very clever (some would say devious). They are smart enough to know when logic won’t help them win an argument so they resort to either cruelty – saying hurtful things in loud ways – or blackmail, or both. Every time they win an argument this way extends the amount of time they will use the same method the next time.

The good news for parents in this is if they are strong and: 1) don’t escalate the problem by responding to the boy in the same way, and 2) don’t give in; the emotions will ease reasonably quickly and the issue will pass. Then in a couple of days (or hours) either a new issue and new battle will arise, or the boy might give the old one a go again. Another piece of good news is that by the time a boy is 18 this approach fades pretty quickly.

Now to your particular situation:

Assuming that the issue is just broadband perhaps there are some questions you could ask yourself and discuss with him.

Is his need for broadband related to school? If so this could be quite a reasonable request. Broadband access is fast becoming an integral part of secondary education.

The teacher of nearly every class he attends will at some point suggest using the internet to research something. The point here though is that by staying away from school to protest not having broadband he his defeating his own argument. Perhaps you could suggest that he demonstrates his commitment to school and learning first by his attendance, attitude and application till Easter and then together you will make a decision, with the following question in mind:

Is he able to make some sacrifice that will contribute to the cost? Share a portion of his pay from his weekend job (if he has one, if not maybe he should get one), buying lunch at school on fewer days, or no days. Settling for ‘lesser’ brand clothes etc. I am aware that this will mean a sacrifice on your part too but with broadband plans available for $29.95pm with no upfront cost it may be possible – it means each of you have to find a way to squeeze, say, an extra $4 per week. By the way, if you do go this way be very careful to get a plan that is ‘slowed’ after you reach your download limit, that way you can be certain to never pay excess usage charges.

If that is not possible do you have access to an alternate solution: is there a neighbour or family member or library close by the he can use to access the internet for study?

On the other hand, if he wants broadband for non-school issues (MySpace & MSN, downloading music, etc) then I would be putting to him that he pays for it himself. To protect your budget you might like to suggest that he saves the first 3 months of subscriptions before you sign up for anything and then he pays monthly in advance. You might be able to contribute a small amount if you and other members of your family will be using the internet.

With either option it will important to work out some usage rules first. The internet – especially for teens – can easily be a black hole that sucks in time. Discuss reasonable usage that allows him time to complete his school work and some school performance measures he must attain. Put that into a contract he signs before any broadband plan is taken. The contract won’t guarantee that he will use the internet sensibly, it will just help you when you have the argument with him about over use or inappropriate use.

My concern, though, is that his reaction has been so severe I wonder if broadband is the issue or an excuse to take a stand.

Is he having problems at school he hasn’t told you about? Is he struggling academically? Is he being bullied or socially excluded in some way (and not having broadband could be contributing to that)? Is he nervous about achieving the results he needs for the future he wants?

Is he struggling at home? Are there some unresolved issue between the two of you that he can’t talk about but can’t ignore? Is he angry about some issues in his life and this is the simplest way of express the anger without talking about the issues.

If you suspect this might be the case then I would suggest you give him some time to calm down and when both of you are calm have one of those “hey mate, what’s really going on here?” conversations. These can be hard to initiate, with a sullen teenage boy it can seem impossible, but if you are calm and choose a time for the conversation when are you both least likely to be stressed, over time you will get to the heart of the matter.

These are just brief thoughts, I hope they give you some ideas and encouragement. If the problem persists or, more importantly, escalates, I would strongly suggest that you seek a family counsellor. Life Line and Centacare are two organisations that provide excellent service at a very low fee.