Author: Graham Hyman

Graham Hyman has been working with teenagers professionally since he was a teenager. His first “job” was as a volunteer leader with a group of his 14 year old classmates who developed and ran an after hours school program for latchkey children (who would otherwise go to empty homes at the end of the school day). He is now at the other end of his career encouraging, guiding and motivating teenagers in high schools across Australia astounded that a 68 year old man can still hold the attention, and respect, of 12 – 18 year olds. The most common response he receives from kids is his greatest honour, “that was sooo my life!” The 50 odd years between that have been spent gaining a theological degree, working as a minister with the Churches of Christ, then as its National Youth Director. In 1988, along with his wife Jadie, he began Youth Specialties Australia. Initially YSA provided youth work training but in the early nineties Graham began working with parents, presenting the original Australian version of Understanding Your Teenager as a seminar in schools, and community groups across Australia as well as New Zealand and South Africa. By the mid nineties this work grew into providing presentations for students and teachers, and this work continues today. Graham has worked in over 1/4 of all Australian high schools speaking to well over 1 million students, tens of thousands of parents and thousands of teachers. This work continues today as you can see from the YSA website (www.ysa.com.au)
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Tension because of Asperger’s and ADHD

QUESTION: My 15 year old son has ADD and Aspergers and my 11 year old daughter has ADHD.
We have a very stressful home environment at the moment and would appreciate any information on how to cope better.

RESPONSE: As to your question, while I have never experienced what you are I have encountered many parents in a similar situation. Many find help and relief by sharing with others in similar situations through the various Aspergers/ADHD support groups, I hope you have one close by you. Because I have limited experience in the area I can only offer a more general response.

Firstly, celebrate the positives. In any intensely emotional situation it is easy to become so absorbed in coping and responding that it is easy for the joyful moments, that ought to bring relief, to slip by almost unnoticed. I am sure there are moments every day when your son or daughter do or say (or sometimes don’t do or say) things that surprise or amuse you. Depending on the preceding behaviour it could be difficult to do this, but whenever possible make a conscious effort to enjoy those moments and lock them away in your memory.

Secondly, remember that your kids are teenagers too, much of the behaviour that makes life tense now is a perfectly natural part of adolescent development. It doesn’t make the behaviour any less irritating or stress inducing, it just means that as your children mature the extremes of behaviour will moderate and life will be more gentle.

And thirdly, focus on the medium to long term. This is probably small comfort, but you are almost certainly going through the most difficult time you will ever have with your children. As you consistently and lovingly parent now the attitudes and stability you hope to see in your children will gradually take root and grow. When they are in their late teens and early twenties they will probably not understand the difficulties they caused for you but you and they will enjoy the relationship you long for.

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Are all young people drinking?

In the words of Harold Arlen it’s time to ‘accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative’ in thinking about teen behaviour.
I have always thought that we (meaning those of us who speak to and about teenagers) are far too focused on the negative statistics. Promiscuity, suicide, bullying, drug and alcohol abuse are easy attention grabbers and make wonderful PowerPoint slides because they have such frightening consequences. No one wants to think about, let alone experience, having a teenager hurt by any of them.

The problem with this focus is that it ignores the fact that most of the really frightening behaviours are experienced by the minority, they are the exceptions. The vast majority of kids are just normal adolescents who will probably experiment – to a point – but will generally make wise choices.

When the extremes are constantly highlighted we fail to affirm the kids who have positive behaviours, possibly to the point of making them feel abnormal and thus susceptible to moving into riskier territory.

We also fail to consider the sources of wisdom and confidence to make good choices that are found in many teens. Principally these are the active involvement of caring families, teachers and youth workers who take the extra step to become mentors, guides and role models, and membership in faith or community service organisations that give teenagers an inner value and purpose that they choose to not disrupt with risk taking choices.

Parents need to be encouraged to believe that they are not powerless and that their actions are making a difference to the safety and confidence of their children. Teachers, too, need to be reassured that every small act of care they make is a building block in the foundation of resolve and confidence in a teenager’s life.

This excellent article on Drinkwise makes this point in regard to the realities of binge drinking.

It’s time we started to apply the same kind of thinking to all of the life harming activities. Certainly we need to highlight the potential dangers, that knowledge is a big part of what keeps kids safe, but let us do so in a way that affirms and encourages positive behaviours and choices that naturally lead to exciting, fulfilling, safe lives.

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More to life than an ATAR

An ATAR says what you achieved at high school; it is essentially only useful for your first year out of school – it will get you into a uni course or into a job. After that your progress is entirely determined by your performance.

In many ways even more important than your ATAR or “leaving certificate” is your reference. This says who you were at high school: it highlights your habits and character, the things that will determine the progress of the whole of your life. This article from the Sydney Morning Herald puts this in perspective from the point of view of a Vice Chancellor.

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My niece is manipulative and threatening

QUESTION: My 15 year old niece is very clever; but she refuses to attend school, has an older boyfriend whom she manipulates. She is abusive to parents & grandmother, & has lately taken to damaging walls & breaking things including a mirror. Parents & grandmother are distraught, especially since they can’t get the child to visit a doctor or psychologist. She also frequently threatens them that if they check her behaviour, she will call the cops. Nobody has laid a hand on her, or abused her in any way. Please advise where parents can obtain help. She does not do drugs or drink alcohol.

RESPONSE:

Teenagers can be dreadfully emotional and stubborn because they are so posses by the moment. In their minds if the their desires aren’t met immediately they may not be met at all. Add to this the fact that when teens can’t win an argument logically they will usually turn to bullying (as indicated by what you have said about the physical damage your niece is causing) and you have people who are very hard to live with sometimes.

In response to a couple of your points: Every state has a parent help website and live phone counselling (see list here),these are a great starting point for parents in need. For face to face counselling your family could find some great help from Centacare (a counselling service of the Catholic church but open to people of all faiths).

If your niece threatens to call the police, maybe she should be allowed to. If, as you say, there are no issues of abuse the police will very likely reinforce the views of her parents.

Perhaps, though, the other direction to take is to find out why she will not attend school. For a clever girl who is not being influenced by alcohol or other drugs this is an unusual behaviour. It makes me wonder whether there are issues in her life (bullying, inappropriate relationships, academic struggle) that make school a hostile environment for her. Because, for whatever reason she will not open up about those issues she is taking illogical pathways to keep herself from having to confront them.

It is very important during this time for her parents to find some way to maintain and encourage whatever elements of a normal relationship they can. This does not mean giving in to her whims or accepting outrageous behaviour. What it does mean is to be careful to be on the look out for any signs of tenderness or normality she shows and to acknowledge and affirm those. Seek ways to spend time with her away from the tension causing issues. The more that positive side of the relationship can be built up the more likely it is that the negative side of her behaviour will begin to moderate.

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My son is totally out of control

QUESTION: Hi, My husband and I have a 15yo son who is over 6ft tall. He has not been to school for two years and refuses to go. He smokes heaps of pot ( and probably other drugs) sleeps all day and gets aggressive or violent if we try to challenge him. Hes been in trouble with the police and now facing an unlicenced driving charge.

He wont do the community service from his other charges and just goes bezerk if his father gets in his face or tries to talk to him. I think he has conduct disorder,depression and maybe a learning disability. Three years ago his best friends burt to death in a bush fire and I don’t think hes ever got over it. We are very worried about him and it is hard for us to get ANY help in a remote community. I would like to know if there is anyone who can help him. Can we take him to a “place” that will help him with his addiction and his mental issues before he hurts us or I have a heart attack from the stress.

Your situation sounds very difficult and I can appreciate the pain and frustration you are feeling. Your question contain many indicators that your son needs professional counselling, especially in terms of the death of his mates. Unresolved, a trauma like that one would certainly easily lead to the kinds of experiences you are no having with him. I suggest you phone Kidshelpline  (National: 1800 55 1800) or Parent Helpline (WA: 1800 654 432 1800 654 432; SA: 1300 364 100; QLD & NT: 1300 30 1300; VIC: 13 22 89; TAS: 1300 808 178;NSW: 13 20 55; ACT: 6287 3833)

In terms of directly addressing the problem you would probably get more appropriate direction from one of the organisations I have listed below. They are much more experienced in these issues than I am.

In terms of you and your husband though: Whatever the reason, your son is so established in his patterns of defiance that the road to change will be quite long, but it is not impossible. What you can do in the short term is to reinforce the positive in your son (wherever you find it and however small it is) and resist the temptation to engage with him on his terms. You need to build a platform of security in your relationship and acceptance of him as your son to give you the confidence to pursue his behaviours that are totally unacceptable.

For a whole range of reasons, including and probably beyond the ones you have indicated, he wants you and his society to be angry with him. Every time he provokes you to rage he wins, and you lose. It is not easy to stay calm in the face of an abusive teen but it is the most important weapon in your arsenal.

Something that may help you is to keep in mind that the problems that most concern you at the moment are not yours. If he is not attending school – that is the problem of the school, Department of Education and Police. His community service and pending court appearance are the problem of the courts and the police. I know it sounds impossible, but at this point in your situation the only focus for you and your husband should be on small domestic matters. Look for a chink in his angry armour, some small softness and receptivity, and build on that – that will be the most likely starting point to bring him to recovery and will help bring you some peace.
The eBook mentioned in the My Teen is Out of Control link below has some really good sections on the importance of looking after yourself in this and strategies to focus on the problems that are yours.

Now as to the organisations that are best placed to directly help:

Australian

Tough Love is an organisation that has over 30 years experience dealing with situations like yours, they will have people who understand what you are going through and have good advice to offer. www.toughlove.org.au/index.htm

Youth Off the Streets is an excellent organisation that has a wide range of residential programs that may suit your son’s situation. If not they will have a very current view of what is available in Australia. Information and contact details can be found on their websitewww.youthoffthestreets.com.au/index.html.

Teen Challenge is a Christian organisation that has residential programs in most states. Queensland has one for 16-25 year oldshttp://www.teenchallenge.org.au/index.php?page=residential-rehabilitation  and South Australia has one for 18+ but they will make exceptions www.tc.asn.au/livingfreeelizabeth.htm. Both programs require a willingness to accept a Christian approach to treatment and voluntary admission. Like Youth Off The Streets their staff would be up to date with other programs available today.

Headspace, the national mental health initiative website www.headspace.org.au/default.aspx?page=2 has a range of information and contact points that might help you.

USA

There is an company in the USA called My Out Of Control Teen that provides training and online resources and counselling for parents in situations like yours. The cost is a one off charge of US$29. I cannot vouch for the quality of the program but it seems well credentialed. I have attached a copy of the book they sell on the website – it will help you decide whether the material is suitable for you. They also have a very active forum and online counselling program. The website is www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/

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My daughter wants to move in with her boyfriend

QUESTION: My daughter is 15 and is telling us she is going to move out at 16 and live with her current 17 year old boyfriend. We have concerns about this and have spoken with her. If she leaves home at 16 and get into any trouble with the police or in debt will we be held responsible for her actions even if we can’t make her stay at home. She believes that when she is 16 she can legally move out is this right or is it 18 or 21.

You daughter is right, She can leave home without your permission at 16. Unfortunately laws have been framed this way because of the need to protect some of our children from dreadful experiences at home and in the process they sometimes make it harder for responsible parents to guide their children in the right direction.

The reality of the situation is that even if it wasn’t lawful, your daughter is of an age that if she wants to move in with her boyfriend there is very little you could do to stop it. The issue is not serious enough for the authorities to act.

Let us hope she does not get into trouble with the police, but if she does she will be the one accountable for it. Similarly with debt: the only way in which you could be held responsible for it is if you sign leases, contracts or rental agreements.

The first place to start though is to lay a foundation so that whether your daughter leaves home or not your relationship will survive. While it may not seem like it to her now (and at times it may not even seem like it to you) that relationship is going to be very important to her life in the near future.

Perhaps there are areas in which you could lighten up which give her a greater sense of independence without compromising your family expectations and values?

Also, it is important to build the relationship in spite of the current tension. It would be a very good thing to find some opportunities to spend positive time with each other in which the conflict areas are not discussed. Maybe have a weekly lunch date during which you both are banned from talking about anything to do with the boyfriend or her leaving home. This won’t be easy at first but if you persist it will become very valuable time during which you will almost certainly rediscover your mother-daughter relationship. It is that relationship that will ultimately give your daughter safety and security and you peace.

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Children can’t concentrate because they claim to have been abused

QUESTION: What shall I do to children who cannot concentrate in school, because they claimed that they were sexually abuse by a close relative on their childhood? And how can I know it is true?

RESPONSE:

The question you have put is an area that can potentially have huge negative impacts on a child’s development, consequently whenever a child raises this issue it should be treated seriously.

Except in the rarest cases, a child would never invent experiences like this to explain being unable to concentrate in school. In fact one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with kids who have been abused is to get them to admit it. It is usually a horrible secret that is only known by the impact it has on a child’s mental health.

I would strongly suggest that you look for an opportunity to have your child meet with a professional counsellor to either open a pathway for healing or, in the unlikely event that the story is concocted, discern what other factors are so troubling the child that he or she should resort to such extreme behaviours.

If you decide to seek counselling, and I hope you do, a starting point would be Kids Helpline (Ph: (07) 3369 1588; 1800 55 1800 Email: counsellor@kidshelp.com.au (for email counselling) http://www.kidshelp.com.au/  (web counselling: Mon – Fri, 3 pm – 9 pm, Sat 10am – 4pm). Other services can be found on the the Australian Government directory sitehttp://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/resources/counselling.html

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My teenager won’t go to school

QUESTION: My teenager won’t go to school. How do I get him/her to go?

RESPONSE: Teens who resist going to school do so for a variety of reasons. Each reason requires a different response. The problem for parents is that their kids will rarely tell them why they don’t want them to go.

The first step is always to try and discern what lies behind the resistance. This can take some time, especially when the parent is so frustrated and upset, and the teen so stubborn, that any conversation becomes a shouting match.

Don’t have the discussion in the midst of trying to convince the teen to go to school. On school mornings everyone is tense; it is hard to be calm. Plus, there is a battle ground so both parties want to win. The teen wants to stay home; the parent wants the teen to go to school.

Instead make a time to discuss the issue, perhaps after dinner or perhaps even in a neutral venue like a restaurant. While the teen is unlikely to acknowledge that he or she must go to school, an even partly reasonable teenager will accept that the issue must be discussed. This is particularly true if the parents give the impression they will listen to the arguments even if they don’t agree with them.

In the discussion give the teen time to say what it is about school that is bothering him or her. The initial responses are likely to be trivial or monosyllabic (“it sucks”, “it’s boring”) but with persistent gentle questioning the truth will usually come out.

The 3 major reasons teens avoid school (and potential solutions) are:

1) Social networks

Your daughter, or son, may be struggling to find friends, or may be experiencing bullying verbally, electronically or physically. Whatever the cause if your child feels un-liked or unacceptable then school, where that message is reinforced every day, is the last place he or she wants to be.

This child needs parental support to develop strategies to stop the bullying and to build a network of friends to provide a buffer against the cruelty of other students.

Never take bullying lightly, the era of ‘names will never hurt me’ is long gone because modern means of bullying have become so invasive and social acceptance has become such a huge part of our society. In previous generations bullying messed with one’s popularity, today it can crush a kid’s sense of value.

2) Not coping with the work

Some teens cannot face school because it seems that in every lesson confronts them with their inability to learn. Pride will frequently prevent these kids from admitting the academic struggle they face, instead they simply take every opportunity to not experience it.

Talk to your child’s teachers, the school possibly has support programs in place. If you can afford it seek tutoring to help your child overcome the ‘hump’ that is blocking his or her progress. If he or she will let you, work on your teen’s homework and assignments with him or her. The simple fact of having someone help can make the learning easier and much more effective.

3) Cannot see a future

Our last category of persistent truants are those kids in mid teens who just cannot see the point in going to school. It is their perception that nothing they do in school relates to what they want to do in life so can see no point in going to school. Or they see nothing in life they want to do, or believe they could do, and so cannot see the benefit of learning now because in their minds qualifications don’t matter if there is nothing they will ever be qualified to do.

These kids best respond when the adults in their life help them focus on specific beneficial outcomes rather than vague concepts of levels of academic achievement. These kids are not interested in what a year 12 student needs to achieve. Their only interest is “what am I going to do?”

In general the best motivation for these students is to mix work and career with school. School based apprenticeships, TAFE courses linked to their school program, 1 & 2 day work placements can all work wonders in making these kids want to go to school (but they will still do all they can to avoid traditional classroom learning).

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Parenting and school performance are inexorably linked

Billions fail to stop slide in world student rankings” The Australian Dec 4 2013

Billions have been spent on facilities and technology for schools, and student performance has gone backwards. Class sizes have diminished, teachers have mandatory ongoing professional development, and student performance has gone backwards. The slide in the ability of Australian school students to learn will continue until someone shines a light on the proverbial pachyderm in this room and we as a nation begin to aggressively deal with it. The primary factor that undermines school based learning in Australia it is the rapid increase of general disengagement by parents in their children’s lives.

The foundation for learning, the tools for understanding and the aspiration to excel all have their origins in what happens in a child’s home. Where parents provide a secure and certain environment and are actively involved in their child’s learning that child is much more likely to be equipped to learn and have the confidence to be ambitious.
Routine and order in a child’s life at home that allows time for study, recreation and rest builds great students who are much more likely to respond positively to classroom teaching and to be a positive influence on a classroom experience. Add a consistent home experience of affection and kindness and you have children who are not just good learners but they are also nice. Where you find a school where these students predominate you will experience an ethos that fosters learning and personal growth.

Unfortunately these attitudes require a sacrifice by parents, and we in the indulgent west increasingly abhor sacrifice. The changed nature of family in our society and the increasingly common pursuit of personal rights and pleasures by parents – over their responsibility to parent – mean that great numbers of our children are effectively doing childhood on their own. If Golding’s ‘Lord of the Flies’ reveals any truth it is that the outcome of this will be chaos, bullying and the dominance of the strong over the smart. Sound familiar?

If we are to elevate academic performance standards while also building strong emotional intelligence in our children we need to put more money into education – of parents. Investment in a range of training programs, from a ‘Life Be In It’ style marketing program to parenting seminars offered in schools and more is going to make a much bigger, faster, long lasting impact than any other expenditure.

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A call to re-think our obsession with social media

“Look Up” (see below) was posted by Gary Turk on April 25 2014. By today – May 6 – it has had over 15,250,000 views and 123, 000 likes. Why? Because it cleverly and beautifully resonates with a concern many of us have about way they social media can actually damage society. Our online presence has the potential to damage our capacity to have a significant offline one. This is not to say that Social Media is the devil, it can be a wonderful and beneficial boon of modern technology, it is just to say that it is not harmless or inert. Like everything in life the tool is not the problem it is the way the tool is used.

Proof of this is found in the way this message is being spread . Without the facility YouTube provides, and the connectedness that Facebook, Google+, etc., facilitate only Gary and his immediate family would know of it. As a way to stay informed and to create and maintain connectedness social media is unsurpassed. Even I, an occasional Facebook user, am delighted with the sense of reconnection I have found by ‘friending’ people who were once real, present friends, but who drifted away through time and distance.

To me it seems that the problem is that it is so easy to be lost in the social world and the excitement of the electronic buzz that people quickly mistake it for real relationships and don’t learn the skills and joy of genuine intimacy. Those are are only learned when your 5 senses interact with a person in three dimensions not their 2D image transmitted by electrons behind glass.

Gary Turk’s video tells the story by emotion. Shimmi Cohen’s video is also below, it tells the same story using science.

The message: Teach our children to spend the bulk of their time interacting with real people and the real world, and then to spend moments sharing the joy of that through a keyboard.