2019 – Parenting Teens

QUESTION: My 15 year old son has ADD and Aspergers and my 11 year old daughter has ADHD.
We have a very stressful home environment at the moment and would appreciate any information on how to cope better.

RESPONSE: As to your question, while I have never experienced what you are I have encountered many parents in a similar situation. Many find help and relief by sharing with others in similar situations through the various Aspergers/ADHD support groups, I hope you have one close by you. Because I have limited experience in the area I can only offer a more general response.

Firstly, celebrate the positives. In any intensely emotional situation it is easy to become so absorbed in coping and responding that it is easy for the joyful moments, that ought to bring relief, to slip by almost unnoticed. I am sure there are moments every day when your son or daughter do or say (or sometimes don’t do or say) things that surprise or amuse you. Depending on the preceding behaviour it could be difficult to do this, but whenever possible make a conscious effort to enjoy those moments and lock them away in your memory.

Secondly, remember that your kids are teenagers too, much of the behaviour that makes life tense now is a perfectly natural part of adolescent development. It doesn’t make the behaviour any less irritating or stress inducing, it just means that as your children mature the extremes of behaviour will moderate and life will be more gentle.

And thirdly, focus on the medium to long term. This is probably small comfort, but you are almost certainly going through the most difficult time you will ever have with your children. As you consistently and lovingly parent now the attitudes and stability you hope to see in your children will gradually take root and grow. When they are in their late teens and early twenties they will probably not understand the difficulties they caused for you but you and they will enjoy the relationship you long for.

In the words of Harold Arlen it’s time to ‘accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative’ in thinking about teen behaviour.
I have always thought that we (meaning those of us who speak to and about teenagers) are far too focused on the negative statistics. Promiscuity, suicide, bullying, drug and alcohol abuse are easy attention grabbers and make wonderful PowerPoint slides because they have such frightening consequences. No one wants to think about, let alone experience, having a teenager hurt by any of them.

The problem with this focus is that it ignores the fact that most of the really frightening behaviours are experienced by the minority, they are the exceptions. The vast majority of kids are just normal adolescents who will probably experiment – to a point – but will generally make wise choices.

When the extremes are constantly highlighted we fail to affirm the kids who have positive behaviours, possibly to the point of making them feel abnormal and thus susceptible to moving into riskier territory.

We also fail to consider the sources of wisdom and confidence to make good choices that are found in many teens. Principally these are the active involvement of caring families, teachers and youth workers who take the extra step to become mentors, guides and role models, and membership in faith or community service organisations that give teenagers an inner value and purpose that they choose to not disrupt with risk taking choices.

Parents need to be encouraged to believe that they are not powerless and that their actions are making a difference to the safety and confidence of their children. Teachers, too, need to be reassured that every small act of care they make is a building block in the foundation of resolve and confidence in a teenager’s life.

This excellent article on Drinkwise makes this point in regard to the realities of binge drinking.

It’s time we started to apply the same kind of thinking to all of the life harming activities. Certainly we need to highlight the potential dangers, that knowledge is a big part of what keeps kids safe, but let us do so in a way that affirms and encourages positive behaviours and choices that naturally lead to exciting, fulfilling, safe lives.

Year: 2019

Tension because of Asperger’s and ADHD

Are all young people drinking?